||[Oct. 10th, 2004|09:13 pm]
there comes a time in your life where you began to evaluate everything. where youre going, what youre doing, who you want in your life....ive hit this time previously, but it seems its begun to reappear again.|
ive never really grown on my own. I jump around so much, that I often times wonder if I've lost myself. Why do I jump around? Is it because Im scared? Maybe Ill find out who I really am, and Ill hate it. People need to be secure in who they are before they can be secure with other people. I'm just trying to make my mark.
I know I've got the drive, but am I really going to end up doing what I want to do with my life? All I can think about is "what if I dont become someone?" I wonder if Im ever going to amount to anything, and if my determination and attitude will ever pay off. If I don't get outta this place and move on to become someone, what the hell am I going to do? What if I don't do well in in the real world? Fuck I don't know. I wish I had a backup plan sometimes. College planning is so fusturating. If i had a choice I wouldn't go...but like i once said before my parents have super high expectataions for me. And first off I have amazing grades i got bright furtures....and my sister didnt get it and she sucked and shes living off my parents and has never workd but shes the pride...what am I? nothing
I literally lost all my friends and most of you know who you are....its like no1 cares I miss everyone so badly. i miss going to shows hanging out and drinking and that all has gone away and I'm still so young......WHAT HAPPENED i mean was all my past friendships fake....i miss my best friend I don't know what happened we were so close and like bam haven't seen him in almost 3 months, I wanna live why do I turn into a pile of mess every other month....Joe is the only thing that keeps me sane if I didn't have him I prob would have gone suicidal by now no Joke, hes the onlt thing I feel like I'm blessed with. My whole life I never really had anything to be happy with until I ment my furture husband. I love him so much. I just really wish my friends would call me up to hang out I miss it! I guess that what goes with meeting the love of you life so early, and It doesn;t bother me b/c I love being with him all the time, its just phone calls would be nice once in a while
AHHH I WANNA BE SOMEONE LIKE NOW!
fuck it Im done.